I am a compulsive gambler. My life was so out of control. All I could think of was when can I get over to the casino, but was in denial about having a problem. I became a liar and nobody knew my secret. Throwing money away was my life. I would win a thousand and put back two. I never left with any money. As I walked out of the casino, I was never coming back and this was my last time for sure! No sleep, hating myself and losing everything. No time for important things, just escape to the casino. I called the Hotline and that's when my life changed. It's been three months of counseling and group meetings at ABC Wellness. For the first time I can sleep and breathe and, guess what, I like myself. I am a 57 year old woman who was on the road to destruction and homelessness, so stressed and hating who I'd become. Thanks to Chris Jackson, my group meetings and my brother and sister-in-law, I have my life back in control. I couldn't have done it alone. I am so lucky that I have a second chance.
The clock of this young man’s life strikes a resounding chime as a year passes from what will be viewed as a turning point that helped him to once again find the road less traveled, and not remain on the short dead-end track on which he was firmly marching one year ago the moment these words are conspired.
How can he even fathom that which has transpired? What seems so dull and lifeless today is actually exciting and flourishing as compared to a year ago. There is today a beauty and simplicity of life that was misinterpreted a year ago as necessary chaos and believable disillusionment.
This young man today calls himself a young man, yet registers a year older and wiser than a year ago, at which point he felt down and beaten. Only in remembering from whence and from where he came can he realize God’s full workload and the gifts he has received to be alive, well, and clear in thought. Has he experienced a lifetime in a year? Certainly not. But the events a year ago this moment increased the possibility that a lifetime will actually occur, and not be cut short in the slow yet accelerated march down the dead-end road.
What actually happens in the span of a year that is so remarkable and worth noting for self and others? The young man is struck with his thoughts, often feeling the heaviness of the situations that life presents today, yet unable to deny what was and just how much better today’s worse thoughts are than last year’s best thoughts.
He reflects:
A year ago I felt alone.
Today I feel lonely.
Feeling alone meant that I had no connection to others.
Feeling lonely implies that there are others with whom I connect but am feeling separated from tonight.
A year ago, I looked through every mirror – big and small, thin and wide – unwilling and incapable of accepting the reality that – without fail – was always reflected back to me.
Today, I am willing to see the truth in the mirror and accept my reflection – good and bad.
A year ago, my smile was a façade for the pain; my laugh came from sarcastic insecurity at the expense of others; my fears were insurmountable; and my tears were in hibernation, unable to show themselves even when summoned.
Today, my smile is authentic; my laugh comes from the true joys in life; my fears are revealing themselves as they become accessible, and are embraced and loved; and my tears wash the dirty windows to my soul when I need to regain clarity of my purpose and mission in life.
A year ago, I was embarrassed for myself to be seen in public, let alone with others.
Today, I am proud to stand amongst society.
A year ago, I was dangerously obese and had sabotaged the physical body I was afforded at birth.
Today, I am 1/3 less the physical person I was a year ago and am comfortable with who I am.
A year ago, I defined myself by my career.
Today, I define myself by my commitment to my recovery and my connection with the spiritual realm.
A year. 366 days. 12 months. 52 weeks. 525,600 minutes.
Today I live where I feel most connected.
Today I am willing to be vulnerable in love and life, and – even with some difficulty – I am willing to accept what is and is not meant to be and to live in the moment and not in the outcome.
Today I answer the phone, albeit with some struggle, and connect with another human soul.
Today I cry, which is a tribute to my capability to feel and not suppress my emotions.
Today I strive to life authentically, embracing all of the beauty, wisdom and gifts that I have been afforded, no longer needing to live a double life.
Today, laid out before me for all to see is a scary yet spectacular path forward that is so full of opportunity, grace, self-love and a deep spiritual connection that allows me to love others without condition.
A year ago, the Angels aligned and guided me to that which was in the best interest of a truly good person who had lost his way, and his will, in the fog of life and addiction. Slowly, as the fog lifted and passion and purpose began to reveal themselves, the Angels realigned themselves with fanfare, celebration and brilliance for all that lies ahead now that I have traded the ocean for the mountains of jagged wisdom.
A year ago, I barely existed.
Today, I am alive.
Tomorrow, may I thrive, may I connect, may I find peace in simplicity and happiness in chaos. May I chart a new path, and embrace a journey that is mine, and mine alone, yet with many to support me as they walk a similar path. May I never forget the hurt, pain, guilt, shame and heaviness of a year ago, and use such memories as fuel to propel me into new heights of living that I never thought imaginable.
May I have the courage to inspire and the wisdom to grow. May I be comfortable being me, and embracing all that is awaiting me. May I feel deserving.
The young man looks over his shoulder one more time, very aware of how thwarted his thinking, judgment and feelings were on May 9, 2007. Yet he feels not anger or hatred but rather empathy for that person, as that man was doing the best he knew how to do at that moment. The young man started to feel a sense of self-forgiveness, realizing that the scene from a year ago represents not that of a broken man, but that of a man ready to embark on an unknown journey of self-discovery.
The young man looks down to see that his bare feet are firmly planted in the green grass, the cool and dew-riddled blades caressing the soles of his feet and touching his inner soul.
He lifts his head to look forward, and can barely discern the specifics, almost blinded by the brilliance that glows from the path ahead. He is excited, passionate, yet knows that care must always be part of any future journey.
He takes a step forward, remembering what lies at his back, moving ahead on the path of his life. He embraces his walk of life with anticipation and proceeds without hesitation, ever mindful of the curves that can surprise. Be vigilant, be cautious my friend. But even more, be young, be fun, be brilliant. Just be.
From 1995 to 2007 I have been a compulsive gambler. The last 12 yrs., I have lost more than just money at the casino. I lost my faith, my confidence, and my sense of direction. I found myself lonely, depressed, and helpless. At one point, life did not make sense, it was in disarray and my financial stability spiraled down into an abyss. Within the 12 years the value of money was nonexistent. At first, I was gambling $200 a trip, and that soon went up to $1200 dollars a trip. I used credit cards or loan sharks as an outlet to help support my habit. I would bargain shop for food, clothes and other necessities, so I could have extra money to gamble. I constantly used the “rob Peter to pay Paul” method. I either lost sleep or slept in late, so I didn’t have to face the world. I didn’t want to go to the mailbox to get bills or answer the phone for fear of a creditor being on the other line. I slowly isolated myself from the rest of the world and was in constant crisis due to my financial stress. I now know that in my addiction, as in any addiction, the things you value most in life become secondary. During this period, I thought no one would understand the issues I was facing. In the spring of 2006, I made a decision to make a change, to face my addiction and to regain my faith, my confidence, and my sense of direction.
When I met my counselor, Chris Jackson, I was in denial and ashamed about what I had become. My approach to group therapy was to just get some information or just get some advice; and, after that, everything would be alright. I was not ready for the challenges or the ups and downs during the recovery process. I found myself frustrated and confused about not knowing the answers as to why I gambled. When I became frustrated, a I would give up and go back to my addiction. I wanted to quit, thinking I could “do it on my own.” Mr. Jackson knew the road I was going down. He encouraged me to continue seeing him through individual counseling. His patience and his commitment to helping me helped me establish a rapport with him. His approach was to listen and teach, not dictate and demand. His style of counseling helped me understand the underlying reasons as to what lead me to gambling. He challenged me, asking the right questions and holding me accountable for my actions. Today my life has clarity and I have more control over my thoughts, feelings, and actions. I understand I can’t control everything that comes my way and learned to understand and embrace the cliché “take one day at time, and it is what it is.” I now understand and embrace many such cliché’s.
An After Care Program will help me continue my road to success. Throughout the course of my recovery, I have rediscovered five important values in my life. This after care program will include these five values: 1) Faith 2) Family 3) Friends 4) Fitness 5) Finance.
My faith helped me face the challenges on a daily basis. I go to church every week, get some message out of the homily or reading, and apply it to my daily or weekly lifestyle. This practice helped me identify my commitment towards recovery and reestablish my commitment to the church.
My family has been my foundation; I have realized how strong family support is. They were always available, helping set budget plans / goals, finding financial programs on line, and encouraging me to go to counseling.
Friends have been a great support. With them I could go to sporting events, attend concerts, and participate in community activities. All these functions helped me keep focused and remain on course to recovery.
My fitness program helps me escape the challenges at work. I channel the daily stresses to anaerobic or aerobic exercises at a local fitness center. The goal is work out 3 to 4 times a week. An important element in working out is to help me to not to dwell on the hierarchy, bureaucracies, and the political practices of my job. As my counselor says, “don’t take it personal.” I now understand.
My finances have stabilized. I now have a better understanding of the value of money. I currently have a savings account for emergencies. The last six months I was faced with several emergency situations and was able to pay those bills without any worries. I have a sense of relief knowing that I didn’t have to rob Peter to pay Paul. I know I have an obligation to pay back my creditors and I am willing to face the consequences ahead of me. I built an insurmountable amount of debt in a 12 year period, and it will take time and patience to repay my debt.
In closing, I have learned so much in two years of recovery. It took a lot of hard work, discipline, and patience to get where I am today. I need to continue focusing on my values, and continue going to meetings on a weekly basis. I once believed people who were so called “born again” were looking at the world through rosy colored glasses and not seeing the world as it really is. Now I believe “born again” means people who re-evaluate their goals, their lifestyle, and their purpose in life in order to become a better person.
“A winner is somebody who has given his best effort, who has tried their hardest they possibly can, who has utilized every once of energy and strength within them to accomplish something. It doesn’t mean that they accomplished it or failed, it means that they’ve give it their best.” Words to live by...
(Quotes from Walter Payton in the book Never Die Easy)
Today I am a grateful recovering compulsive gambler. I wasn’t very grateful 2 years ago when I walked into the doors of ABC Wellness. I was broken, confused, and felt useless, but I hid it well behind my mask. I am an escape binge gambler. I used the casino for entire weekends to zone out and escape my life. I had been abstinent from gambling for almost a year, I was attending 2-3 GA meetings a week, had a sponsor and working the steps. Still, I didn’t notice anything change except for my abstinence. My sponsor held me accountable to make the call to ABC. For that I am also grateful. I began seeing Renee and I participated in a codependent group. I have been able to get in touch with my feelings, now that they are no longer numb from my addictions.
I made a commitment to Renee to not drink alcohol for 30 days and observe. Making that commitment opened my eyes to alcoholism as well. Renee has helped me find my voice. I also learned and implemented self care. I have reconnected to my higher power and my spirit has now returned. My relationships with my family are better as well. My husband and I are in couples counseling with Renee. This is truly a miracle. After 26 years of marriage, I can say that we have God in the center of our marriage; we are rebuilding our marriage with brick instead of straw. We are learning to communicate and express our needs, wants and feelings to each other.
I truly believe in the G.A. & ABC combination. I wouldn’t be on this path of self discovery and healing without the help of Renee and the staff at ABC. As I exit from counseling, I have a strong connection with my sponsor and the fellowship of G.A. to keep my illness at bay. Should I find my life begin to spin out of control, I know I can pick up the phone and make an appointment with Renee. I am learning to cope with life on life’s terms and no longer have the desire to self destruct at the casino.
